Don’t come to Athens, OH intending to get work done; you’ll only disappoint yourself. And don’t come to Athens looking to relax either; because that would just disappoint everyone else!
Coming back to Ohio University always ends up being a riot, particularly my last visit since I was in town for both 11Fest and the usually riotous Palmer Fest. Originally I had planned to get a lot of work done over my 10 days in Athens, but who am I kidding? Here are a few things you can expect when Athens happens.
- You may end up wearing the same pants for like a week. And don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with that… unless you’ve also managed to wet yourself after a night on Court Street. Then I’d have to recommend a quick change. (Goodwill is close for those silly enough to travel to Athens with one pair of pantaloons)
- Friends always have beer in Athens. If they don’t, their friends surely do. And if their friends don’t, why are you bitching? There’s like 50 places to get beer!
- Big Mama’s burritos and/or O’Betty’s hot dogs at 2am. ‘Nuff said.
- Early bird breakfast at Union Street Diner and then it’s back to sleep. ‘Cuz let’s face it, the Diner is great and cheap, but that food baby on top of your early morning hangover is just too much for any one man to bear.
- Birds and the bees and the walk of shame.
- You’ll either fight someone or be their pal. For example, breaking an oven by accident may lead to a new phone number or yelling back to some rowdy fools roof-drinking could lead to a massive group of hooligans hitting the bars later. Put your pipes away if they’re the fighting kind.
- If you’re there on Wednesday, hit Lucky’s for a signature liquor pitcher. That might just be the most fun you’ll have all week… or at least until Thursday.
- You won’t do anything but sit on a porch if the weather is nice. Or maybe a Stroud’s Run. The point is: nice weather in Athens automatically means outdoor day drinking/chilling.
- Sweater Shuffle! Or any type of shuffle really. Athens has no shortage of bars, and students and visitors alike make it a point to do a shuffle (one shot at each bar) at least ONCE! Though it’s not rare to end up a fallen soldier and never actually complete one.
- Eventually you’ll leave Athens and be left to wonder “what the hell happened?” Athens happens fast and hard. Don’t think about it while you’re there. With the nearest large city (Columbus) over an hour away, you’ll have plenty of time for regret when you leave, no matter where you’re headed! Hooray regret!
So, so long Athens! You’ve reminded me once again why you’re the best worst getaway on Earth.